thirty seconds to meltdown

It has been an awful week.

Every once in awhile, you might get a nightmare when you're sleeping, only when you bolt awake at last, you sigh with tremendous relief, because you realize it wasn't real and was all a dream.

This was one of those where you realize it was real after all.

It seemed as if the bad news were to keep coming after all. The silence broke, and I managed to get an inch closer to my free lunch.

My aunt passed away from stage 4 cancer on Thursday. I had to smile to my manager as he made a joke.

On Friday, someone from the management level decided to push things around, because in a corporate world, every once in awhile there's a need to look busy so that you can play the blame game when things don't work out. Therefore my team was targeted. The culprit was condescending in their approach, and made to screw up our system and meet impossible demands. I found a new level of workplace rage that I never knew I reserved. When you lead a team, and someone talks down to your team member, if it was any other scenario, you gave them the what for.

It came to the point I almost quit that day. Not as a petulant act, but when you do not have to autonomy to work with dignity and respect, sometimes even things like job stability and pay seem to pale in comparison. I was born a rebel, and unfortunately I would choose sticking it to the man rather than rolling over and complying meekly.

And the culmulation of the week made me sit down and reconsider my life. Suddenly leaving my job doesn't seem too bad an idea. I would travel somewhere else. And maybe not just for fun. Maybe just to spend some time doing volunteer work. Tending to other people's needs instead of mine. Maybe I'll learn to be less selfish and concerned about myself. Maybe I'll get to do some good with my life.

If only hindsight was a perspective I could afford right now.


. arigato .