genesis and revelations.

I had a strange but wonderful dream yesterday. I dreamt that I had become the father of an adorable (but of course...) baby. I don't know how do you dream a novel experience, but somehow I did feel like one, and the joy and emotions of seeing your first child, opening new eyes to a world of wonder, a bundle of warmth and love, filled my heart to impossible heights. I don't think I ever felt as happy as I did in the dream, seeing the baby and knowing it was mine, to hold, to protect, to love.

I don't know too many guys who are eager to have kids, much less many kids. I can't imagine (asides from that dream) how it would feel like to be one, to have your own child for the first time, and how ecstatic and impossibly happy one must feel. It is a miracle indeed, and a very special one at that. I suppose there is a deeper meaning to this, and if one were to reflect over it more I suppose there is many a lessons to be learn. But I'm contend just dwell in the warmth of that thought.

Most guys would grow up not wanting to be like their dads. I was never close to mine, so I guess I would fall in the same category. We tell ourselves we would never treat our sons the way our fathers have harshly taught them. We tell ourselves we would show love and encourage our sons to be better men. But nevertheless genes are not the only things that are hereditary. We pick up the traits of our fathers unconsciously, because we never knew any other way. We may learn new tips, tricks and techniques, but when our buttons get push, we tend to react more often than not in our fathers' footsteps.

I don't think it's easy being a father. Asides from the whole masculine image thing, it's generally hard for guys to be emotionally sensitive and show love through physical intimacy. Mothers can coddle and hug and kiss their kids. But past a certain age, guys have to grow out of apron strings and soppy cuddles. And similarly, fathers must learn to pass the baton, and with it, all of life's important lesson. The hardest part is then to impart that knowledge without the excessive use of negative reinforcements (caning, verbal reprimanding) and balanced with the right amount of encouragement that will teach them to be men.

And with daughters the issue becomes even more complicated. How do you learn to allow your daughter the right amount of freedom to grow to be free-spirited with the right values, yet knowing the right way to set boundaries to protect her from the darker roads of her journey into womanhood? And it seems once you get it wrong, like in the movies, sometimes the damage can be irreconcilable. And you'd live with that regret, yet not knowing how to bridge the gaps.

I used to think that when you became a parent, you'd somehow know all these things. Like a automatic update into your knowledge bank. But as I grew older, I realized adulthood didn't quite come with a manual with advices and proverbs neatly referenced into chapters. You had to learn and find your way around yourself. Sometimes you have to learn from bad mistakes, and sometimes you live to regret them forever. Sometimes I think some adults are still kids inside adult bodies, stumbling around and trying to make sense of everything that seems foreign and displaced. There aren't that many roadsigns for life, you've just gotta make the choices and pray that you made the right ones.

But perhaps that is the adventure of adulthood and subsequently, parenthood itself. To be given a new map of million possibilities, and the power of choice. To create your own paths and fill in your own map. And at the end of the day, despite possible detours and pit-stops, if you get yourself on the right path, you just might find your treasure at the end.


. Arigato .